What the hell am I doing here? I
ask myself as rain and hail soak the “waterproof” raingear that now seems to
simply collected water rather than bead and repel it. Has man not spent the
better part of a millennium evolving into comfortable and complacent existence?
Don’t I have a home with a bed and a roof instead of a fly and the ground? It’s
a strange concept to me, wanting to live in the uncomfortable reality of the
outdoors. So why do we do it? And what the hell is wrong with me to think that
this lifestyle is fun? My friends do not seem to get it. Strangers seem baffled
by the idea of spending months in the woods. And even my parents are confused
as to why I want to get paid so little to suffer so much. So why? What the hell
inspires us to do this to ourselves? For me I guess the outdoors keep me
inspired, motivated, driven and humble. But is that enough to keep me going
time after time? Nature’s forces make us stronger but how and why is it so damn
enticing? There is nowhere to hide out there; you have to deal with everything
that is thrown your way. And if you cannot deal you will break, there is no
question about that. It seems insane to want to be broken and vulnerable. It
seems crazy to love to feel the pain of a hard day. But we somehow do, we love
the struggle, the pain and we embrace the suck even though we know it seems
like the craziest thing we could ever set our life’s course on. So why, in this modern era with smartphones,
television, computers, cars, electricity, furniture, houses and a surplus of
food do we chose to give everything up and simply walk, starve ourselves, and
carry the necessities of living on our back?
Before we figure out why let’s
discuss what. Right now I am writing to you from the backcountry of central Idaho.
The place is the Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness Area (a mouth full
I know). I am working as part of a trail crew for the United States Forest
Service. I got this job through the Student Conservation Association and was
lucky enough to be selected as one of eight in a pool of over one hundred
applicants. I’m also a student, studying outdoor recreation at the Ohio University,
although I’m not completely convinced that my degree is helping me get any jobs
right now. I think being a NOLS alumni and an avid adventurer with countless
adventure experiences has been helping me wage wars more than any classroom
ever has. I do think that some of the theory has helped me understand why I go
outside and maybe one day will help facilitate my development as an outdoor
leader but right now I think the work I've done with my feet on the ground is
making rather than breaking my future job outlook. Maybe I’m just in the early
stage of transformative learning or maybe college has just been a turning point
that set me on this path. Whatever the cause I’m glad to be here in this moment
studying recreation theories and trying to understand just how and why we do
some of the things that we do. As part of our curriculum we must go do an
internship, and for me that means just another paid vacation working in some of
the most pristine wild lands left on this chaotic sphere. So for three months I lived, ate, breathed
and worked in the backcountry. Just me and two others left to blaze trail ten
long days at a time. And since this is a Wilderness Area and as part of the Wilderness
Act there is nothing mechanized allowed within the forest’s perimeter. Which
means that in order to clear those trails we will be backpacking for ten days
at a time with a crosscut saw and pulaskis as our guides.
As a warning to those of you who
may think that you love and know the outdoors, working and living in them is not
for the faint of heart. If you like your bed, your phone, your computer, really
anything but some ratty clothes and your trusty pack as company this job is not
for you. Out there is freedom from the living reality of life back home. There
is only dirt, bugs, predators and unpredictable weather waiting for you and
there is nowhere to hide but your tent. If you are used to four star accommodations
and service with a smile you probably should stay home. The food is grimy, you
sleep on the ground or on a cot, there are no showers, and smiling before four o’clock
in the afternoon is not encouraged. From eight in the morning till four in the
afternoon you work desperately to complete the day’s tasks, trying to make the
miles before the end of the hitch. This work is not for the faint of heart, it
is for the bold and determined. But if you are able and willing, if you can
handle adversity every day, this job will open you to a world rarely
experienced by others. You will see life through a different lens, one where
hopes and dreams surround you. It is a life where bonds form quickly and
deeply. You get to rediscover yourself free from the confines of technology and
history. You get to know yourself and others on a level that is impossible in
front country life. And I guarantee you will laugh more than you ever have in
your life. There will be difficult days, but without them the good days would
go unnoticed. But don’t worry the good days are bountiful. You inevitably come
to realize the significance of the little things; like huckleberries in July.
Your body and mind become stronger than they ever could back home. But the
concept of home will never be the same. The fresh air and clean living is
intoxicating. Like a drug it sweeps a feeling of euphoria throughout the entire
body, clear of all of the toxins of modern life. So if you feel like you can
take it, if you can push yourself through anything, give it a try, take a long
walk and don’t come back for a few days. Then keep going and going until days
become weeks, weeks to months and months to years. There is a life out there
waiting for us. We just have to be willing to accept it for what it is.
If you think you have what it takes
to spend a summer outside with the birds and bees as your company, there are
countless opportunities for employment. Don’t just consider the land agencies
there are hundreds if not thousands of other companies that would love to
employ a go getter that can stand the challenges of the outdoors. But for me I
feel a sense of accomplishment in working with my body. There is something
about tools that require physical strength that has always attracted me. The
crosscut especially makes me feel like a man. It’s heavy, cumbersome and takes
a certain finesse to operate correctly. In order to use it you need two people working in unison, pulling the saw just as the other finishes his draw. The blades
scour the woody surface as the weight of gravity drives the saw deeper and
deeper until the log splits in two. Each log is different and can produce any
number of tricky binds that will hold the saw making a cut impossible. After a
while you learn to read how the log will bind, where a cut should be placed and
the rhythm between you and your partner. The soft sweet smell of fresh cut wood
lingers as you push and pull the saw day in and day out, cut after cut. Everyone
individual grows stronger and more rhythmic with each successful cut and as a
group be become strong and rhythmic. We understand each other and can read each
other’s pace. As our bond grows work becomes easy; rhythm in place, step in
sync and body acclimated to each other’s strengths we thunder through the backcountry.
Even your tools become close friends in the same way. They take on a
personality of their own. You take care of them, repair them and when you both
are in sync you become a force rival to nature herself.
So what the hell am I doing here? The
more and more I think about it I still am not sure I have an answer to that
question or even if there is something I could identify as the direct cause.
All I know is that I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere else. Out there in
the wildness of the world I feel the most like myself. In some strange way I
feel complete, like my life has meaning and value that is beyond my own
measurable scope of reality. In the front country I feel out of place, like a
caged animal waiting to escape to the freedom of the unknown and
uncompromising. I feel no sense of accomplishment when I complete assignments,
clean my house or work for some monotonous job. Maybe that is the root cause
for this strange inspiration towards the outdoors. Instead of monotony the
outdoors provides chaos. No two days are ever the same in the back country. The
scenery, weather, work, emotions and physical strain all changes with the
passage of every minute. So let my friends, family and strangers think what
they want. They probably will never understand the draw of the out of doors
because they are too busy focusing on opening new ones. Their job, family and
security are more important to them. But for me I want the unknown. I want to
know chaos. I want to feel it and let it carry me across the world in search of
new and exciting endeavors. You keep your technology, monotony and security, I’ll
keep the outdoors. 
